Sample · not a real plan
The send-off of Radha
Radhika Anand Mehta · 9 March 1971 · Mumbai
What must not happen
Read this part before you make any phone calls.
Who should absolutely not be told?
Uncle Bharat. He knows why. Nobody else needs to.
Who is banned?
Bharat. And the neighbour who reported the terrace to the society.
Who does not speak?
My colleague Deepak. He will offer. Say no kindly.
What must never be said?
That I lost anything. I did not lose. I ran out of time, which is different.
What is forbidden?
Speeches over five minutes. An open mic. Anybody describing me as a fighter.
What must never be played?
Anything anybody describes beforehand as "appropriate".
The basics
Your full name, as it appears on the paperwork
Radhika Anand Mehta
And the name you would like said out loud
Radha
Date of birth
9 March 1971
Which city would this have to happen in?
Mumbai
Who gets told first, and on what number?
My brother Anand, 98XX XXXX XX. He is calm on the phone and will not ring anybody at 4am, which is more than can be said for the rest of them.
The disposal
What should be done with the body?
Cremation
Anywhere specific?
Whichever crematorium has parking. The one near the flyover made everybody late for Dad and I have not forgotten.
Any religious or cultural observance to follow — or explicitly none?
The short version of what my mother would have wanted. Nobody needs to sit through the long one.
The event
Do you want an event at all?
Yes
Where?
The terrace at home. If it rains, downstairs, and nobody is to apologise for the weather.
Who is invited?
Anyone who ever ate at my table. That is more people than my family thinks.
Dress code?
Whatever you already own. If you buy something black for this I will find a way to be annoyed.
Time of day?
Evening
How long should it go on?
Until people leave
Food and drink?
Vada pav from the stall on the corner, in enormous quantity. Nothing catered. Anand makes the tea and no one else touches it.
The soundtrack
What plays as people come in?
Something with a bit of noise in it. Priya has the playlist and she knows.
What plays at the moment everyone is trying to be sincere?
Nothing. Let the room be quiet for a minute, it will not kill anybody.
What plays as people leave?
Whatever gets people dancing badly in a car park.
The performers
Is anyone performing?
A brass band, Fireworks
Who, exactly?
The band from the wedding in Bandra. Anand has the number in his phone under "loud".
The most anyone should spend on this
40000
The words
Who speaks?
Anand, then Priya, in that order and not the other way round.
What must be said?
That I was funny on purpose. People keep getting that wrong.
The one story you want told
The one about the wrong wedding in Alibaug. Priya tells it best and she is to be allowed the full version.
And the one you want buried with you
They know the one.
The leftovers
What goes to whom?
The green cast-iron pan — Priya — she is the only one who will season it properly. The records — Anand — and he is to play them. The blue coat — anybody it fits.
Anything that should go to nobody?
The box in the top of the cupboard. Burn it, unopened, and do not be clever about it.
The charity
A charity, if you want one named
The stray dog shelter in Andheri
Their link
https://example.org
The last word
Anything else
You were all much better company than I ever admitted. Go home at a reasonable hour and eat something.